strokeof_genie (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
strokeof_genie) wrote2008-10-23 11:55 pm
strokeof_genie) wrote2008-10-23 11:55 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: Five times Jared called Jensen, and one time he didn't; SPNRPS; rated R
Title: Five times Jared called Jensen, and one time he didn't.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Pairing: J2, past/peripheral Jared/Sandy
Rating: R, for language.
Summary: If the title doesn't tell you enough, it's a peek into five times that Jared calls Jensen, and then one time he doesn't.
Word Count: 6,000+
Warnings: Angst, language, Chad.
Notes: Thanks, love, and hugs to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hefreak for all the hand-holding, encouragement, and help. And for the wonderful beta job she did! Any remaining mistakes are mine, because I can't stop fiddling. Also, I don't know that this fic appropriately shows my love of CMM, so if not, I'll say it here: I love Chad Michael Murray. Let there be no confusion on this matter.
1. Jared ignores his crush on Alec - one time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared's bored and flipping through channels. With nothing to do on a weeknight, he's stuck at home. He slept too late to be tired, and he'd worn the dogs out by mid-afternoon from walking and a game of fetch. It's dark, anyway.
His thumb slips off of the down button when he sees Jessica Alba with dark hair and in skin tight leather and - Jared grins. Jensen Ackles comes onscreen next, shirtless and in a boxing ring. Jared's laughing as he digs in his pocket for his phone and hits two, and then send. Jensen's sure and cocky on the television, all grins and knock-outs.
"'ello?" Jensen answers on the third ring, sounding out of breath.
"Huh," Jared says, "you're in better shape on TV, I guess. Are you sweating right now? You sound like it, and you're not sweating on TV. I'd know, you're not wearing much. Did you actually have to learn to box for this, or were you kind of flailing? It looks like flailing," Jared laughs, and then reconsiders. "That looked kind of professional."
"Asshole," Jensen says, in greeting. "What channel is it on?"
"Uh. SiTV? Isn't that the Spanish channel? Why is Dark Angel on the Spanish Channel?" Jared asks, and then starts laughing again as Jensen gets his ass handed to him by Jessica. "Why does Alec suck compared to Max? Lame."
"I hate that episode," Jensen says conversationally. Jared hears him turn off his treadmill. Jared idly wonders what Jensen's wearing, and likes the symmetry of watching Jensen on the television while he's also shirtless after a workout.
"How can you tell which one it is?" Laughing, Jared continues, "Alec loses to Max whenever they fight."
"Just like Dean loses to Jesse, right?" Jensen asks, and starts laughing as Jared tries to talk over him. Jensen hangs up on him and Jared, with a grin on his face, gets up to make some microwave kettle corn for the rest of the episode.
2. Jared's plans are foiled by the disgusting Corn Molester - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared walks slowly down the aisle with all the dairy products, wondering why there are so many different types of butter. He's got a baseball cap on, not pulled so low as to call attention to himself, and he hopes he looks normal enough to get ignored.
He looks down at his cart and mentally checks off his list; he's got the milk, the eggs, the potatoes, the cereal. And the other cereal that Jensen likes for when he stays over. Jared reaches for the smallest butter they have, which is still way more than he needs.
He pushes the cart over to the meats, and picks out some steaks - he gets porterhouses with huge bones and fat around the edges, and his stomach growls just thinking about it. It's going to be awesome.
When he goes to get some fresh produce to grill, Jared stops. His mom always insisted on green vegetables like asparagus, or on red or yellow peppers. Jared digs around in his pockets for his phone. He doesn't even have to look to know he hits the right button to get Jensen.
"Hello?" Jensen's voice is kind of tinny.
"Am I on speakerphone?" Jared asks, distracted. He hates that, because he always ends up saying jackass things and Jensen makes fun of him for it, and there are always people around to hear.
"Yeah, I'm washing dishes," Jensen says. Jared makes a face, because Jensen won't want to do dishes twice in one day and Jared was planning on having him do clean-up. Maybe that will still work, because they'll eat everything, probably, and then it's just a matter of loading the dishwasher.
"Okay, well. I got us porterhouses and potatoes to bake, but what kind of other shit do you want?" Jared asks, because usually they order in or pick up the food. Jared's been dying for a steak, though, and Jensen, well. Jared wouldn't want to eat a home-cooked meal without him, when he knows they're both craving one.
"Corn, and bread? Dad used to put butter and garlic on bread and wrap it in foil, and put it off to the side of the heat," Jensen explained. "It was fuckin' awesome."
"Okay," Jared agrees. "Sweet, corn sounds good, and I have this garlic in oil shit from last week when Sandy visited." Jared grabs a french loaf in passing, and heads to the aisle with the corn, still in the husks. "You grill corn when it's still in the husks, right?" Jared asks, switching the arm he's using to push the cart so he can move the phone and turn his head.
"Yeah," Jensen says, and then there's a splash. "Shit," Jared hears Jensen say, "I'm glad I wasn't holding the phone or I'd need a new one."
Jared smirks, and is about to reply to that when, "Oh my God, Jensen," Jared says, because there's totally a fat, old guy in front of the corn, shoving ears of it down his pants. There's really no room for it, because they're tight as hell and Jared will swear to God that he can see the outline of the guy's balls, they're so tight. It's fucking disgusting.
"Don't worry, dude," Jensen says, "that's why I had you on speakerphone."
"No, man, there's this guy here," Jared laughs, even though he feels kind of queasy. He's whispering and hurrying away from the corn. "He's fat and disgusting and is wearing, like, fucking biking shorts. He's shoving corn down his pants, dude! And it's only fitting because of the stretch, and shit, we are so not having corn tonight. Fuck that," Jared says vehemently.
"That's gross," Jensen says flatly. Jared smiles at that, because Jensen takes food seriously. "Tell an employee there."
"Uh, why? So they can arrest the perve and wash the corn to restock it?" Jared asks, because there's no way in hell that's going to be on his mind. He's not going to be responsible for an outbreak of hepatitis or some shit.
"Oh God, I hope they wouldn't do that," Jensen says fervently. "Jay, I don't even care about a balanced meal, as long as you get some beer."
Jared agrees and laughs. He goes through the liquor aisle on his way out and loads a 12-pack onto the bottom of the cart, and Jensen lets him go only when he has to start the garbage disposal.
3. Jared's headspace isn't occupied by Jared - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
"C'mon, c'mon man, please pick up," Jared mutters. Sadie's nosing at his knee and he knows he's acting like a freak, but he feels it's warranted. He's got his cell pressed tight against his ear, and his other had curls around the back of Sadie's skull to scratch behind her ears.
Jensen's voice sounds over the phone, telling Jared to leave a message. "Hey, Jen, I know this is, like, the fifth message I left you but I got to talk to you, man. I - anyway. I'm going to take the dogs out real quick and them I'm going to call you again, and I'm hoping to God that you answer because, yeah."
Jared hangs up, and plays with his cell a little before pocketing it and walking to let the dogs out. He swears to himself that he's going to give them at least five minutes before he goes back in and calls Jensen. Jared rarely makes big-fucking decisions without consulting Jensen first. He teases Jensen when asked, and says it's because with age comes wisdom. Jensen tells him he won't put out without a ring on his finger, so stop treating him like a wife, bitch.
The thing is, Jared needs to talk to Jensen because he and Sandy broke up. He's been talking to Jensen about it for weeks, now, since the night he got drunk and said, "I don't think I love her anymore, not the way she deserves, Jen." Jensen had just listened and nodded and held a warm hand to Jared's back, and didn't ask why Jared felt that way.
Sandy is here to visit for the weekend, and Jared is the one who brought it up, but in the end, he doesn't think it's just him comforting himself when he says that it was a mutual decision. They've been growing apart, and he remembers before that he'd fall asleep thinking about her, probably having just talked to her. He'd wake up with her on his mind.
Now, though...Jared pulls his phone out and checks the time. He's been standing on his porch thinking for a little under ten minutes, and Harley is sniffing around the back yard like there's something back there that he wants to eat.
"Harley, Sadie, c'mon. Let's go inside," Jared calls, and opens the door. Sandy left the house two hours ago and called to say that she got a hotel room, and Jared waited about thirty minutes before he called Jensen. He had to get his thoughts in order.
Jared shuts and locks the door behind him and then pulls out his phone again. This time, Jensen answers halfway through the second ring. "Jared," Jensen says, and it's fucking stupid how much better Jared feels.
"We broke up, and she's...I don't know, Jen. She cares, and it's sad, and I'm sad, but," Jared stops, and wonders if he should have given himself longer to get his thoughts in order. "We agreed, and we feel the same way. We're mostly saddened because it's..." Jared stops.
"Neither of you are as hurt as you feel you should be," Jensen says, and Jared feels irrationally angry before he recognizes the truth in what Jensen's saying, and that he's angry at himself and Jensen knows all that.
"Yeah, man. I feel like, I don't know, my heart should be splitting in my chest, and I kind of wanted to know that our relationship didn't - fuck, I don't know," Jared says, and runs a hand through his hair. "I wanted her to be hurt as much as I am, but I'm not as much as I feel like I should be, and she's," Jared stopped.
"Jay, she feels the same way you do, I bet," Jensen says. "And that's not a bad thing. You guys are best friends," Jensen goes on, and Jared knows Jensen's trying to help him, but how fucked is it that Jared wants to protest and tell Jensen that he's Jared's best friend. "I know it's going to take some time, but even if you guys aren't together anymore, you guys'll still be friends."
"Yeah," Jared says, because he and Sandy even said as much.
"I know it hurts, man," Jensen says, his voice soft. He does know, because Jared was there for him when he and Danneel split. Only that went much better than this, because they were in the same room and alcohol was involved. Jared doesn't want to think about getting drunk. He already feels sick.
"I miss her, but," Jared swallows, "I think I miss the security the most, you know? What am I going to tell my momma? My life could go anywhere now, and it's sad to say this, but I kind of want that sureness I had with her. I want to know what I'm doing," Jared says, and he hears Jensen sigh.
"I know, man, but you aren't alone," Jensen says, and Jared knows that's as good as an offer.
"Come over, man?" Jared asks, and doesn't even feel bad about asking. He knows Jensen was waiting for it.
"I've been packing my overnight while we talked. Do you, are you hungry? I can stop and get something," Jensen offers.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever you want. See you soon?" Jared says, and hangs up after Jensen's affirmation.
Harley gets up off Jared's feet and tries to interest him in a game of tug-of-war, and Jared feels a little bit guilty knowing that his dogs' moods are reflecting his own.
4. Jared's annoyed that Chad's actually subtle, for once in his life - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
"I don't get why he doesn't just move in. I mean, you've got the space, and it's better than a fuckin' air mattress." Chad says, after Jared shows him all of the crap that Jensen's storing at his place until he finds his own.
"That's what I said!" Jared exclaims, arms spread, clearly exasperated. Jensen's being ridiculous, and Jared knows it, and he's glad that Chad agrees.
"Dude, maybe it's 'cause he doesn't what to see your ugly every morning," Chad says thoughtfully. Jared kicks the bottom of his foot as he takes a step, and Chad stumbles and glares over his shoulder.
"Don't be an ass. I can't figure out how to get him to move in. Seriously, he's not being logical," Jared insists, stepping over the foot Chad holds out to trip him. "He said he'd be an inconvenience, and then when I told him that it wasn't all the times he stayed, he was all, 'oh, well, that's different, Jay! I'm either drunk or I'm contributing something,' because the last time he stayed I had that sprained ankle and the dogs were too much, remember?" Jared pauses and Chad nods. Jared called Chad probably twice a day because he was so bored at home. "Yeah, well, now he's staying again, when he's actually in town, but he's all apologetic about it and it's kind of really fucking annoying."
Chad raises his eyebrows. "Really fucking annoying?"
"Not him, specifically," Jared says, rolling his eyes. Jensen was annoying when he stuffed his dirty socks down in the couch in Jared's trailer to be an ass, but not right now. "The fact that he's acting like he's all," Jared gestures, because he's not sure what he wants to say.
"Like he's going to be a burden?" Chad suggests, and Jared snaps at him because that's the word he was looking for.
"And he wouldn't be!" Jared says.
"You know that, and since you've told me a million and five times now I do too," Chad says, and Jared feels kind of guilty because he invited Chad out to visit. All he's done so far is lament over Jensen's retardability. "Dude, don't even sweat it," Chad says, though, looking at him, straight in the eyes. "Go call your boyfriend and talk it out, man, because I'm jet-lagged and I'm going to take a nap. Wake me for food."
"Uh," Jared says. It's not like it's the first time Chad's made a gay joke about them, but Jared really feels it this time, when he has his phone already in hand, ready to call and harass Jensen to move in.
"Not jo-king!" Chad says in a sing-song voice, "not this time. Also, when you call him, tell him I'm glad he hasn't moved in yet because I've got the guest bedroom." Chad leaves, heading toward the guest room. Jared stands amidst Jensen's shit, blinking down at his phone. "Call him!" Chad yells through the walls, startling Jared.
Jared takes his time, dials Jensen's cell from memory, and takes several deep breaths while it rings. He's relieved that it eventually goes to voicemail. "Hey, Jen," Jared says softly, then clears his throat and talks a little louder. "Call me back when you get this, okay? Chad's asleep in the guest room. He, uh," Jared clears his throat again. "He thinks you should just move in, too. After he's done with his visit, of course. Anyway, call me back." Jared forces himself to stop talking and hangs up, rubbing his hand down his face.
Jared makes his way down to the living room, and sits on the couch. Chad's always had the ability to stun him, but that's from his stupid, not his insight. Chad acted like he hadn't just given Jared the revelation of a lifetime. He acted like it was the same as it always had been, and Jared guesses it was. Jared wonders just how long he's overlooked how close he and Jensen are. It wouldn't be any different if Jensen moved in, except for how it would, because - because.
Jared doesn't understand how it's never dawned on him that Jensen moving in could completely shatter their friendship. It's not the bond he's worried about, or the scheduling of chores or arguing over drinking out of the carton versus pouring a glass. Jared's worried that he'll make an ass of himself, because he just realized that he doesn't have plans for a future with a wife, but he'd be perfectly happy, as long as he lives, with Jensen as a roommate. Only he's also imagined sex in his future, and lots of it. Jared's not ready to think of where the paths converge, because he's - he's only just realized that Sandy never had a chance, and no one else will ever have a chance, and he's not fucking ready for it all.
Jared's chest is tight, and when he hangs his head that doesn't help because he's wearing the grey and yellow stitched socks that Jensen bought him, because they were super-stretchy and fit over the brace he wore for his ankle. "Fuck," Jared says quietly, his voice full of wonder.
His phone vibrates in his hand, and when he looks down, Jensen's name flashes up at him along with a picture Jared took, with Jensen frowning while Harley licked his jaw. Jared hurts.
"Hey, man," Jared answers. He grips his knee tightly, concentrating on the joint so he can feel it, painful and contrasting to the terror and elation and who fucking knows what else he's feeling. "What's up?"
"Hey!" Jensen says, and then Jared hears him hush someone. "Sorry, let me get - okay, alone at last." Jared hears Jensen say that, and it does nothing to help his current state of mind. "What's wrong? You sound like shit."
"I'm, I do not," Jared insists. "I'm fine. What's up?"Jared asks again, wincing as he sounds like a skipping CD. If he gets Jensen to talk maybe he won't have to, as much.
"Nothing's up," Jensen sounds exasperated. "You called me. I have, like, fifteen minutes while they change the lighting around, because apparently the bloodspatter on my shirt looks better in low lighting."
"Oh. I can let you go, then," Jared says, and feels guilty for hoping that Jensen agrees. Jared needs to think, but in the end, he's pretty sure he knows what he wants, because it's what he's always wanted. He's just not willing to ask for it yet. It's too much to deal with.
"Man, are you all right?" Jensen asks, concerned. "You sound like you did when Harley got sick."
"I'm..." Jared trails off, and knows that he doesn't know how to lie to Jensen. "I'm kind of going through something right now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. It's," Jared laughs, because he's been such an idiot and he knows it. It's becoming more and more apparent, the longer he listens to Jensen. "It's nothing, I'm a fucking retard."
"Jared, are you all right?" Jensen repeats, and Jared knows, without a doubt, that he could have Jensen on a plane to him in under an hour.
It's that knowledge that makes him say, "Yeah, man. I'm fine. I will be. Just...talk to me?" Jared winces when he hears himself say that, and rushes on, "Jen, tell me about how your shooting's going."
"Okay," Jensen says, his voice gentling. Jared feels like an even bigger idiot. "I almost feel at home with all the corn syrup and dye they've got on me."
"Yeah?" Jared says, and somehow, that's not what he wants to hear.
"Yeah," Jensen's voice gets a little stronger when he says, "but it's not the same, because I don't wake up covered in drool, and I kind of miss it, you know?" Jensen laughs, and even though it seems forced, Jared laughs too. He knows what's coming. "And don't try to blame it on Sadie and Harley, because that's low, even for you, man. They couldn't open my door, they don't have opposable thumbs."
Jared's stomach twists. "Jenny, we've got to get better locks on the doors once you move in," Jared says, and can't stop himself from talking. "If rabid fans are slobbering frothy spit all over you, it's only a matter of time before they get to me." Jared plays along, because the banter makes him feel better and more normal.
"Maybe when I get home I'll just leave my door open, and the dogs'll protect me," Jensen suggests, and Jared's stomach drops.
"You mean it?" Jared asks, and barely resists the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. Holy fuck, verbal diarrhea. Jared kind of hates everything, all at once, beginning and ending with Chad because he's the one that got Jared thinking and knowing, and it's fucked. Up. Seriously.
"I," Jensen pauses, and Jared hears him take a deep breath. "I know you're being generous in offering your home to me, but I don't want to move in if you have any reservations," Jensen says, and it sounds familiar.
"Your momma told you to tell me that," Jared accuses. It's almost the same thing his mom told him. It's interesting, because Jared had been wondering what his mother was hinting at over the phone when he told her he'd asked Jensen to move in.
He knows, now; Jensen's for good, forever or nothing at all. Jared wonders if he's the only one that didn't know, if both his momma and Chad knew. He guesses that Sandy saw it, too. He wonders how Chad never said anything, because the guy is about as subtle as a brick to the face. He wonders how Sandy could have stood him so long. It's been a couple of months, and he wonders if he should give her a call. He should ask her if she knew, and why she didn't smack him. Like, hard, in the face.
"Yeah, she did, but that doesn't make it any less relevant," Jensen insists. Jared remembers after a moment that they're talking about their mothers.
"It's," Jared stops, and takes a deep breath. He's made his decision, and he knows Jensen won't understand the gravity of it. Jared's okay with that. "It is irrelevant, idiot. You should move in."
Jared hears Jensen take a deep breath. "I...can't commit to that yet, Jay," Jensen says. "We'll see when I get there."
Jared notices his careful avoidance of the word 'home,' and doesn't think he imagined it. "All right," Jared agrees easily. He feels better after talking to Jensen, because it's kind of a Pavlovian response, after all they've been through. Jared steers the conversation into safer topics, and turns on the television to regale Jensen of his love for the stupid Burger King commercials and his crush on both the Shamwow guy and the Progressive insurance commercial girl.
"Flo?" Jensen asks, amused. Of course Jensen knows her name. That's one of the reasons Jared - Jared takes a deep breath, and consciously thinks, why we're best friends.
"Yeah, her!" Jared grins, "she's awesome. I think she should guest on the show, man," Jared says earnestly and clicks the information button to see the time. "But not the Shamwow guy. I don't want him on our show," Jared adds as an afterthought, because that guy seems like kind of an ass.
He's about to mention that Jensen has to be back on set - or, Jensen had to be back on set a few minutes ago, when Jensen says, "I'd watch the porn they'd make." His tone is thoughtful, and Jared knows that Jensen's still trying to draw him out of his funk.
Jared laughs because he can't help it. "I so would too. But you had to be back on set a little bit ago," Jared says.
"Yeah, I know," Jensen says, but he sounds uncertain. "You good?"
"I'm good, I promise," Jared says, and doesn't feel guilty. He's not good at lying to Jensen, so he doesn't do it. He doesn't have to.
5. Jared's kind of a sucky friend, he's sure - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared clicks around at the site, looking at pictures of nice apartments in Jensen's range. He looks at the handwritten list Jensen gave him, two bed, two bath, full kitchen and preferably an elevator. Jared had written on it, they all have elevators now, dude, it's standard and Jensen had written, make sure, and Jared had added, allows pets. Jensen saw it and smiled, and left to go look at places with his real estate agent.
"Keep looking online, because we're going to start filming soon, and I want to get moved in before that," Jensen had said, walking out the door.
Jared had kept looking up until now. He forgot how boring researching for houses was, especially when the urgency was gone. He'd wanted to get out of the hotel and have a place for his dogs, and he'd gotten a good deal. Three bed, three bath, a full kitchen and living room and back and front yards, back enclosed with a tall privacy fence. Deck out back, porch out front, and the most he has to worry about now - or the most he should have to worry about now is whether or not to get the deck netted with mosquito netting, because holy fuck they were huge here.
Jared has no reason to help Jensen move out of his house. He wants Jensen to stay. He's said as much, without saying it all, and it's not working because Jensen's got some stupid complex where he has to be independent to the point of annoyance. Jared's mother says that Jensen's a carer and a giver, and that Jared would be lucky if Jensen ever does move in with him. Jared knows that.
Jared and Jensen's last conversation about moving went something like this: "If you're so hell-bent on paying for a place, buy a bed for the room you're staying in and gimme five hundred a month," Jared said. Because Jensen's so focused on avoiding being a burden that he's inflating an air mattress rather than staying on the guest bed that Jared has. (Jensen is dumb, and Jared acknowledges this.)
"I'm not going to move in until I get a ring on my finger, ass. And you don't get my dowry until you go down to one knee," Jensen had said back, not even pausing in buttering his toast.
Jensen hadn't been wearing a shirt, and Jared was glad Jensen's back was turned because he couldn't stop staring at his bare shoulders, down to the backs of his thighs. (Jensen wears boxers around the house, and that's fine with Jared, once he got over the oddness of noticing and stops feeling guilty about the effects.) It had taken Jared a while to respond, but when he did, "I won't ever hit a woman, Jenny, but I'll shake the shit out of one," Jared said in a threatening tone.
Jensen had laughed and said, "Fuck off, man," and that had been yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon had seen Jensen out with his agent, searching for a place. Jared had called Chad because he'd given up on searching, and Chad had told him to man up and get his man. Jared had hung up on him, and when Jensen had gotten home, Jared had said nothing except that he wasn't letting Jensen move into a place with a bunch of animal hating retards who'd drown him in the gross, green pool that the complex had.
Jared closes the browser on his computer, effectively ending his search for Jensen's new place, again. Jared sits there for a couple of minutes, and then he sends an email off to his parents about how he's doing, and about how Harley tried to eat a squirrel and about how Jensen's out looking for a place. As an afterthought, he adds that Sadie seems to like Jensen better than him now.
He sends the email off, and receives a reply within a couple of minutes, which means that his mom is totally bored and killing time. So you better make sure he stays, then, his mom says, and then goes on to link him to something she thinks is funny on youtube. Knowing it's a stupid pet trick, knock-off Letterman style, he clicks it anyway.
He clicks around on youtube for a while, watching stupid shit and trying to avoid the urge to call Jensen. He closes his browser and calls anyway.
"Hey, you find anything?" Jensen asks, hopeful.
Jared gets angry, momentarily. "No, asshole. These places all suck, and you're not going to find anything so short notice." Jared doesn't get why Jensen won't just stay.
He hears Jensen take a breath. "Stop fucking dicking around, man," Jensen says quietly. Jared thinks he's probably walking quickly away from his real estate agent so he can talk louder, and Jared winces. "This place blows, and I need to find somewhere before filming, and I don't know what's been up your ass lately but it's like," Jensen stops, and takes another, deeper breath. "I need to find a new place, Jared, and barely any time left. I need your help." Jensen's voice is calmer, frustrated and disappointed, and fuck if that doesn't make Jared angry again.
"Maybe I don't want to help!" Jared says, and God, that's pretty fucking childish of him to say, complete with the pout he's wearing. Shit.
"Jared," Jensen is yelling now, and Jared knows he's never gotten Jensen this angry before.
"Maybe I don't want you to move out," Jared says just as loudly, and the dogs go to a different room. He'll have to make sure he gives them a treat later. He's kind of dealing with not puking now, because Jensen's on the other side of the line, just breathing, and Jared doesn't know what to do. There's nothing else he can do now except commit, and he's always been an all-or-nothing kind of guy. "I don't want you to move out, okay?" Jared asks more quietly, and hangs up before Jensen can say anything.
Harley ventures back into the room, and sets his head on Jared's knee. "Hey, buddy," Jared says quietly. "Think I just fucked up." Jared pats Harley's head, and goes into the kitchen to give the dogs a treat and get himself the first of what he promises himself will be a long line of beers.
On his way, he hears his phone ring, and it's the tone that Jensen picked out for himself. Jared leaves it. He gets Harley and Sadie rawhide bones to gnaw on, because he's not above bribing them for their affection. It has the opposite affect, because they go off and chew on them, leaving him alone.
Jared goes back and sees that he has two missed calls, two new voicemails. They're both from Jensen. He presses his code, and listens. First new message, fifteen minutes ago: "Jared, hey, uh. What just happened?" Jared hears Jensen say, and then more quietly, "I think we're done here, ma'am," Jensen says, and that must've been to his agent. "Call me back, Jay."
Jared deletes it. Second new message, eight minutes ago: "Jared, I," Jensen sounds so sad, and Jared pressed his cell tighter to his ear. He feels sick. "This is why I need a new place, man," Jensen continues, and Jared hangs up quickly, because he really can't take that.
Jared's not going to kill himself, and he knows this isn't the end of the world, but both feel like they're probable right now. He can't deal with it, he needs to get away and think. He thinks that Jensen must be on his way here, because he was definitely in the car; Jared heard the turn signal. Jared gets up. "C'mon, guys!" He yells to the dogs. "Let's go for a walk," Jared says.
Going into the kitchen again, he pulls out the dogs' leashes and can't help the small smile that crosses his lips as Sadie skids on the kitchen tiles and runs into Harley. He pulls off their collars and puts on their chains and leashes, and heads out the door.
He leaves his phone on the kitchen counter, where it rings again as he steps out the door. He's not going to bring it, because it's - he can't deal with it right now. It hurts too much, and it's all his fault.
6. Jared doesn't even bother wondering when the most important person in his life became Jensen, anymore - one time Jared doesn't call Jensen, and it doesn't change a thing.
Jared's been at the park for a little over four hours, and the frisbee he found on the ground slips out of his hand easily from all of the dog spit on it. His shoulder hurts from throwing it, and Sadie and Harley are getting lazy about chasing it, but he can't go back home yet.
They've been playing with it for a little over an hour, so at first when Sadie runs past Jared after catching it, he thinks she's just had enough of playing. Then he hears Jensen say, "Good girl, good girl, give me that," and Jared's stomach feels awful, like it's literally dropped to the ground. Jensen followed him to the park. Jared sucks.
Jared doesn't look, but he hears Jensen throw the frisbee, and then something hard hits him in the back of the head, and did Jensen seriously just throw the frisbee at him? "Ow! What the fuck, man?" Jared says, turning, but Jensen's just as angry.
Jensen pushes him, his hands rough against Jared's chest. "You fucker, do you have any idea how worried I was when I got home and you weren't there and I waited and you still weren't there?"
Jared stumbles back, confused. This isn't how it's supposed to go, because Jensen is supposed to punch Jared for being in love with him, not worry because he's not home. "Jensen, I," Jared starts, then stops. What can he say? "I'm sorry," Jared says.
"Shut up," Jensen says, furious. Jensen grabs him, his hands framing Jared's face, and tugs him harshly forward. Jared tries to resist because he's not sure what's happening until Jensen whispers angrily against his mouth, "fucker, Goddamnit," and kisses him.
Jared reacts instantaneously, grabbing the back of Jensen's neck and his shoulder and holding him close, taking a step forward and pressing closer. Jensen gasps and Jared opens his mouth, and Jensen's tongue licks into him. Something very different from worry settles into Jared's gut as their bodies press together.
Jared's on cloud nine when they finally separate, grinning and shaking a little because he'd been so nervous, so scared of losing Jensen and instead he has him. He pulls back a little to look at Jensen, who's grinning too. Jared frowns when he steps away.
"I'm not making out with you until your hands aren't covered in dog slime," Jensen says, and tugs Jared's arm up to use the sleeve to wipe at the back of his neck. Jared curls his arm around Jensen's neck and tugs him forward, grinning, and kisses him again.
Despite his earlier protests, Jensen goes willingly. Or stays willingly, as Jared thinks about it.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Pairing: J2, past/peripheral Jared/Sandy
Rating: R, for language.
Summary: If the title doesn't tell you enough, it's a peek into five times that Jared calls Jensen, and then one time he doesn't.
Word Count: 6,000+
Warnings: Angst, language, Chad.
Notes: Thanks, love, and hugs to
hefreak for all the hand-holding, encouragement, and help. And for the wonderful beta job she did! Any remaining mistakes are mine, because I can't stop fiddling. Also, I don't know that this fic appropriately shows my love of CMM, so if not, I'll say it here: I love Chad Michael Murray. Let there be no confusion on this matter.1. Jared ignores his crush on Alec - one time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared's bored and flipping through channels. With nothing to do on a weeknight, he's stuck at home. He slept too late to be tired, and he'd worn the dogs out by mid-afternoon from walking and a game of fetch. It's dark, anyway.
His thumb slips off of the down button when he sees Jessica Alba with dark hair and in skin tight leather and - Jared grins. Jensen Ackles comes onscreen next, shirtless and in a boxing ring. Jared's laughing as he digs in his pocket for his phone and hits two, and then send. Jensen's sure and cocky on the television, all grins and knock-outs.
"'ello?" Jensen answers on the third ring, sounding out of breath.
"Huh," Jared says, "you're in better shape on TV, I guess. Are you sweating right now? You sound like it, and you're not sweating on TV. I'd know, you're not wearing much. Did you actually have to learn to box for this, or were you kind of flailing? It looks like flailing," Jared laughs, and then reconsiders. "That looked kind of professional."
"Asshole," Jensen says, in greeting. "What channel is it on?"
"Uh. SiTV? Isn't that the Spanish channel? Why is Dark Angel on the Spanish Channel?" Jared asks, and then starts laughing again as Jensen gets his ass handed to him by Jessica. "Why does Alec suck compared to Max? Lame."
"I hate that episode," Jensen says conversationally. Jared hears him turn off his treadmill. Jared idly wonders what Jensen's wearing, and likes the symmetry of watching Jensen on the television while he's also shirtless after a workout.
"How can you tell which one it is?" Laughing, Jared continues, "Alec loses to Max whenever they fight."
"Just like Dean loses to Jesse, right?" Jensen asks, and starts laughing as Jared tries to talk over him. Jensen hangs up on him and Jared, with a grin on his face, gets up to make some microwave kettle corn for the rest of the episode.
2. Jared's plans are foiled by the disgusting Corn Molester - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared walks slowly down the aisle with all the dairy products, wondering why there are so many different types of butter. He's got a baseball cap on, not pulled so low as to call attention to himself, and he hopes he looks normal enough to get ignored.
He looks down at his cart and mentally checks off his list; he's got the milk, the eggs, the potatoes, the cereal. And the other cereal that Jensen likes for when he stays over. Jared reaches for the smallest butter they have, which is still way more than he needs.
He pushes the cart over to the meats, and picks out some steaks - he gets porterhouses with huge bones and fat around the edges, and his stomach growls just thinking about it. It's going to be awesome.
When he goes to get some fresh produce to grill, Jared stops. His mom always insisted on green vegetables like asparagus, or on red or yellow peppers. Jared digs around in his pockets for his phone. He doesn't even have to look to know he hits the right button to get Jensen.
"Hello?" Jensen's voice is kind of tinny.
"Am I on speakerphone?" Jared asks, distracted. He hates that, because he always ends up saying jackass things and Jensen makes fun of him for it, and there are always people around to hear.
"Yeah, I'm washing dishes," Jensen says. Jared makes a face, because Jensen won't want to do dishes twice in one day and Jared was planning on having him do clean-up. Maybe that will still work, because they'll eat everything, probably, and then it's just a matter of loading the dishwasher.
"Okay, well. I got us porterhouses and potatoes to bake, but what kind of other shit do you want?" Jared asks, because usually they order in or pick up the food. Jared's been dying for a steak, though, and Jensen, well. Jared wouldn't want to eat a home-cooked meal without him, when he knows they're both craving one.
"Corn, and bread? Dad used to put butter and garlic on bread and wrap it in foil, and put it off to the side of the heat," Jensen explained. "It was fuckin' awesome."
"Okay," Jared agrees. "Sweet, corn sounds good, and I have this garlic in oil shit from last week when Sandy visited." Jared grabs a french loaf in passing, and heads to the aisle with the corn, still in the husks. "You grill corn when it's still in the husks, right?" Jared asks, switching the arm he's using to push the cart so he can move the phone and turn his head.
"Yeah," Jensen says, and then there's a splash. "Shit," Jared hears Jensen say, "I'm glad I wasn't holding the phone or I'd need a new one."
Jared smirks, and is about to reply to that when, "Oh my God, Jensen," Jared says, because there's totally a fat, old guy in front of the corn, shoving ears of it down his pants. There's really no room for it, because they're tight as hell and Jared will swear to God that he can see the outline of the guy's balls, they're so tight. It's fucking disgusting.
"Don't worry, dude," Jensen says, "that's why I had you on speakerphone."
"No, man, there's this guy here," Jared laughs, even though he feels kind of queasy. He's whispering and hurrying away from the corn. "He's fat and disgusting and is wearing, like, fucking biking shorts. He's shoving corn down his pants, dude! And it's only fitting because of the stretch, and shit, we are so not having corn tonight. Fuck that," Jared says vehemently.
"That's gross," Jensen says flatly. Jared smiles at that, because Jensen takes food seriously. "Tell an employee there."
"Uh, why? So they can arrest the perve and wash the corn to restock it?" Jared asks, because there's no way in hell that's going to be on his mind. He's not going to be responsible for an outbreak of hepatitis or some shit.
"Oh God, I hope they wouldn't do that," Jensen says fervently. "Jay, I don't even care about a balanced meal, as long as you get some beer."
Jared agrees and laughs. He goes through the liquor aisle on his way out and loads a 12-pack onto the bottom of the cart, and Jensen lets him go only when he has to start the garbage disposal.
3. Jared's headspace isn't occupied by Jared - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
"C'mon, c'mon man, please pick up," Jared mutters. Sadie's nosing at his knee and he knows he's acting like a freak, but he feels it's warranted. He's got his cell pressed tight against his ear, and his other had curls around the back of Sadie's skull to scratch behind her ears.
Jensen's voice sounds over the phone, telling Jared to leave a message. "Hey, Jen, I know this is, like, the fifth message I left you but I got to talk to you, man. I - anyway. I'm going to take the dogs out real quick and them I'm going to call you again, and I'm hoping to God that you answer because, yeah."
Jared hangs up, and plays with his cell a little before pocketing it and walking to let the dogs out. He swears to himself that he's going to give them at least five minutes before he goes back in and calls Jensen. Jared rarely makes big-fucking decisions without consulting Jensen first. He teases Jensen when asked, and says it's because with age comes wisdom. Jensen tells him he won't put out without a ring on his finger, so stop treating him like a wife, bitch.
The thing is, Jared needs to talk to Jensen because he and Sandy broke up. He's been talking to Jensen about it for weeks, now, since the night he got drunk and said, "I don't think I love her anymore, not the way she deserves, Jen." Jensen had just listened and nodded and held a warm hand to Jared's back, and didn't ask why Jared felt that way.
Sandy is here to visit for the weekend, and Jared is the one who brought it up, but in the end, he doesn't think it's just him comforting himself when he says that it was a mutual decision. They've been growing apart, and he remembers before that he'd fall asleep thinking about her, probably having just talked to her. He'd wake up with her on his mind.
Now, though...Jared pulls his phone out and checks the time. He's been standing on his porch thinking for a little under ten minutes, and Harley is sniffing around the back yard like there's something back there that he wants to eat.
"Harley, Sadie, c'mon. Let's go inside," Jared calls, and opens the door. Sandy left the house two hours ago and called to say that she got a hotel room, and Jared waited about thirty minutes before he called Jensen. He had to get his thoughts in order.
Jared shuts and locks the door behind him and then pulls out his phone again. This time, Jensen answers halfway through the second ring. "Jared," Jensen says, and it's fucking stupid how much better Jared feels.
"We broke up, and she's...I don't know, Jen. She cares, and it's sad, and I'm sad, but," Jared stops, and wonders if he should have given himself longer to get his thoughts in order. "We agreed, and we feel the same way. We're mostly saddened because it's..." Jared stops.
"Neither of you are as hurt as you feel you should be," Jensen says, and Jared feels irrationally angry before he recognizes the truth in what Jensen's saying, and that he's angry at himself and Jensen knows all that.
"Yeah, man. I feel like, I don't know, my heart should be splitting in my chest, and I kind of wanted to know that our relationship didn't - fuck, I don't know," Jared says, and runs a hand through his hair. "I wanted her to be hurt as much as I am, but I'm not as much as I feel like I should be, and she's," Jared stopped.
"Jay, she feels the same way you do, I bet," Jensen says. "And that's not a bad thing. You guys are best friends," Jensen goes on, and Jared knows Jensen's trying to help him, but how fucked is it that Jared wants to protest and tell Jensen that he's Jared's best friend. "I know it's going to take some time, but even if you guys aren't together anymore, you guys'll still be friends."
"Yeah," Jared says, because he and Sandy even said as much.
"I know it hurts, man," Jensen says, his voice soft. He does know, because Jared was there for him when he and Danneel split. Only that went much better than this, because they were in the same room and alcohol was involved. Jared doesn't want to think about getting drunk. He already feels sick.
"I miss her, but," Jared swallows, "I think I miss the security the most, you know? What am I going to tell my momma? My life could go anywhere now, and it's sad to say this, but I kind of want that sureness I had with her. I want to know what I'm doing," Jared says, and he hears Jensen sigh.
"I know, man, but you aren't alone," Jensen says, and Jared knows that's as good as an offer.
"Come over, man?" Jared asks, and doesn't even feel bad about asking. He knows Jensen was waiting for it.
"I've been packing my overnight while we talked. Do you, are you hungry? I can stop and get something," Jensen offers.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever you want. See you soon?" Jared says, and hangs up after Jensen's affirmation.
Harley gets up off Jared's feet and tries to interest him in a game of tug-of-war, and Jared feels a little bit guilty knowing that his dogs' moods are reflecting his own.
4. Jared's annoyed that Chad's actually subtle, for once in his life - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
"I don't get why he doesn't just move in. I mean, you've got the space, and it's better than a fuckin' air mattress." Chad says, after Jared shows him all of the crap that Jensen's storing at his place until he finds his own.
"That's what I said!" Jared exclaims, arms spread, clearly exasperated. Jensen's being ridiculous, and Jared knows it, and he's glad that Chad agrees.
"Dude, maybe it's 'cause he doesn't what to see your ugly every morning," Chad says thoughtfully. Jared kicks the bottom of his foot as he takes a step, and Chad stumbles and glares over his shoulder.
"Don't be an ass. I can't figure out how to get him to move in. Seriously, he's not being logical," Jared insists, stepping over the foot Chad holds out to trip him. "He said he'd be an inconvenience, and then when I told him that it wasn't all the times he stayed, he was all, 'oh, well, that's different, Jay! I'm either drunk or I'm contributing something,' because the last time he stayed I had that sprained ankle and the dogs were too much, remember?" Jared pauses and Chad nods. Jared called Chad probably twice a day because he was so bored at home. "Yeah, well, now he's staying again, when he's actually in town, but he's all apologetic about it and it's kind of really fucking annoying."
Chad raises his eyebrows. "Really fucking annoying?"
"Not him, specifically," Jared says, rolling his eyes. Jensen was annoying when he stuffed his dirty socks down in the couch in Jared's trailer to be an ass, but not right now. "The fact that he's acting like he's all," Jared gestures, because he's not sure what he wants to say.
"Like he's going to be a burden?" Chad suggests, and Jared snaps at him because that's the word he was looking for.
"And he wouldn't be!" Jared says.
"You know that, and since you've told me a million and five times now I do too," Chad says, and Jared feels kind of guilty because he invited Chad out to visit. All he's done so far is lament over Jensen's retardability. "Dude, don't even sweat it," Chad says, though, looking at him, straight in the eyes. "Go call your boyfriend and talk it out, man, because I'm jet-lagged and I'm going to take a nap. Wake me for food."
"Uh," Jared says. It's not like it's the first time Chad's made a gay joke about them, but Jared really feels it this time, when he has his phone already in hand, ready to call and harass Jensen to move in.
"Not jo-king!" Chad says in a sing-song voice, "not this time. Also, when you call him, tell him I'm glad he hasn't moved in yet because I've got the guest bedroom." Chad leaves, heading toward the guest room. Jared stands amidst Jensen's shit, blinking down at his phone. "Call him!" Chad yells through the walls, startling Jared.
Jared takes his time, dials Jensen's cell from memory, and takes several deep breaths while it rings. He's relieved that it eventually goes to voicemail. "Hey, Jen," Jared says softly, then clears his throat and talks a little louder. "Call me back when you get this, okay? Chad's asleep in the guest room. He, uh," Jared clears his throat again. "He thinks you should just move in, too. After he's done with his visit, of course. Anyway, call me back." Jared forces himself to stop talking and hangs up, rubbing his hand down his face.
Jared makes his way down to the living room, and sits on the couch. Chad's always had the ability to stun him, but that's from his stupid, not his insight. Chad acted like he hadn't just given Jared the revelation of a lifetime. He acted like it was the same as it always had been, and Jared guesses it was. Jared wonders just how long he's overlooked how close he and Jensen are. It wouldn't be any different if Jensen moved in, except for how it would, because - because.
Jared doesn't understand how it's never dawned on him that Jensen moving in could completely shatter their friendship. It's not the bond he's worried about, or the scheduling of chores or arguing over drinking out of the carton versus pouring a glass. Jared's worried that he'll make an ass of himself, because he just realized that he doesn't have plans for a future with a wife, but he'd be perfectly happy, as long as he lives, with Jensen as a roommate. Only he's also imagined sex in his future, and lots of it. Jared's not ready to think of where the paths converge, because he's - he's only just realized that Sandy never had a chance, and no one else will ever have a chance, and he's not fucking ready for it all.
Jared's chest is tight, and when he hangs his head that doesn't help because he's wearing the grey and yellow stitched socks that Jensen bought him, because they were super-stretchy and fit over the brace he wore for his ankle. "Fuck," Jared says quietly, his voice full of wonder.
His phone vibrates in his hand, and when he looks down, Jensen's name flashes up at him along with a picture Jared took, with Jensen frowning while Harley licked his jaw. Jared hurts.
"Hey, man," Jared answers. He grips his knee tightly, concentrating on the joint so he can feel it, painful and contrasting to the terror and elation and who fucking knows what else he's feeling. "What's up?"
"Hey!" Jensen says, and then Jared hears him hush someone. "Sorry, let me get - okay, alone at last." Jared hears Jensen say that, and it does nothing to help his current state of mind. "What's wrong? You sound like shit."
"I'm, I do not," Jared insists. "I'm fine. What's up?"Jared asks again, wincing as he sounds like a skipping CD. If he gets Jensen to talk maybe he won't have to, as much.
"Nothing's up," Jensen sounds exasperated. "You called me. I have, like, fifteen minutes while they change the lighting around, because apparently the bloodspatter on my shirt looks better in low lighting."
"Oh. I can let you go, then," Jared says, and feels guilty for hoping that Jensen agrees. Jared needs to think, but in the end, he's pretty sure he knows what he wants, because it's what he's always wanted. He's just not willing to ask for it yet. It's too much to deal with.
"Man, are you all right?" Jensen asks, concerned. "You sound like you did when Harley got sick."
"I'm..." Jared trails off, and knows that he doesn't know how to lie to Jensen. "I'm kind of going through something right now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. It's," Jared laughs, because he's been such an idiot and he knows it. It's becoming more and more apparent, the longer he listens to Jensen. "It's nothing, I'm a fucking retard."
"Jared, are you all right?" Jensen repeats, and Jared knows, without a doubt, that he could have Jensen on a plane to him in under an hour.
It's that knowledge that makes him say, "Yeah, man. I'm fine. I will be. Just...talk to me?" Jared winces when he hears himself say that, and rushes on, "Jen, tell me about how your shooting's going."
"Okay," Jensen says, his voice gentling. Jared feels like an even bigger idiot. "I almost feel at home with all the corn syrup and dye they've got on me."
"Yeah?" Jared says, and somehow, that's not what he wants to hear.
"Yeah," Jensen's voice gets a little stronger when he says, "but it's not the same, because I don't wake up covered in drool, and I kind of miss it, you know?" Jensen laughs, and even though it seems forced, Jared laughs too. He knows what's coming. "And don't try to blame it on Sadie and Harley, because that's low, even for you, man. They couldn't open my door, they don't have opposable thumbs."
Jared's stomach twists. "Jenny, we've got to get better locks on the doors once you move in," Jared says, and can't stop himself from talking. "If rabid fans are slobbering frothy spit all over you, it's only a matter of time before they get to me." Jared plays along, because the banter makes him feel better and more normal.
"Maybe when I get home I'll just leave my door open, and the dogs'll protect me," Jensen suggests, and Jared's stomach drops.
"You mean it?" Jared asks, and barely resists the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. Holy fuck, verbal diarrhea. Jared kind of hates everything, all at once, beginning and ending with Chad because he's the one that got Jared thinking and knowing, and it's fucked. Up. Seriously.
"I," Jensen pauses, and Jared hears him take a deep breath. "I know you're being generous in offering your home to me, but I don't want to move in if you have any reservations," Jensen says, and it sounds familiar.
"Your momma told you to tell me that," Jared accuses. It's almost the same thing his mom told him. It's interesting, because Jared had been wondering what his mother was hinting at over the phone when he told her he'd asked Jensen to move in.
He knows, now; Jensen's for good, forever or nothing at all. Jared wonders if he's the only one that didn't know, if both his momma and Chad knew. He guesses that Sandy saw it, too. He wonders how Chad never said anything, because the guy is about as subtle as a brick to the face. He wonders how Sandy could have stood him so long. It's been a couple of months, and he wonders if he should give her a call. He should ask her if she knew, and why she didn't smack him. Like, hard, in the face.
"Yeah, she did, but that doesn't make it any less relevant," Jensen insists. Jared remembers after a moment that they're talking about their mothers.
"It's," Jared stops, and takes a deep breath. He's made his decision, and he knows Jensen won't understand the gravity of it. Jared's okay with that. "It is irrelevant, idiot. You should move in."
Jared hears Jensen take a deep breath. "I...can't commit to that yet, Jay," Jensen says. "We'll see when I get there."
Jared notices his careful avoidance of the word 'home,' and doesn't think he imagined it. "All right," Jared agrees easily. He feels better after talking to Jensen, because it's kind of a Pavlovian response, after all they've been through. Jared steers the conversation into safer topics, and turns on the television to regale Jensen of his love for the stupid Burger King commercials and his crush on both the Shamwow guy and the Progressive insurance commercial girl.
"Flo?" Jensen asks, amused. Of course Jensen knows her name. That's one of the reasons Jared - Jared takes a deep breath, and consciously thinks, why we're best friends.
"Yeah, her!" Jared grins, "she's awesome. I think she should guest on the show, man," Jared says earnestly and clicks the information button to see the time. "But not the Shamwow guy. I don't want him on our show," Jared adds as an afterthought, because that guy seems like kind of an ass.
He's about to mention that Jensen has to be back on set - or, Jensen had to be back on set a few minutes ago, when Jensen says, "I'd watch the porn they'd make." His tone is thoughtful, and Jared knows that Jensen's still trying to draw him out of his funk.
Jared laughs because he can't help it. "I so would too. But you had to be back on set a little bit ago," Jared says.
"Yeah, I know," Jensen says, but he sounds uncertain. "You good?"
"I'm good, I promise," Jared says, and doesn't feel guilty. He's not good at lying to Jensen, so he doesn't do it. He doesn't have to.
5. Jared's kind of a sucky friend, he's sure - another time when Jared calls Jensen.
Jared clicks around at the site, looking at pictures of nice apartments in Jensen's range. He looks at the handwritten list Jensen gave him, two bed, two bath, full kitchen and preferably an elevator. Jared had written on it, they all have elevators now, dude, it's standard and Jensen had written, make sure, and Jared had added, allows pets. Jensen saw it and smiled, and left to go look at places with his real estate agent.
"Keep looking online, because we're going to start filming soon, and I want to get moved in before that," Jensen had said, walking out the door.
Jared had kept looking up until now. He forgot how boring researching for houses was, especially when the urgency was gone. He'd wanted to get out of the hotel and have a place for his dogs, and he'd gotten a good deal. Three bed, three bath, a full kitchen and living room and back and front yards, back enclosed with a tall privacy fence. Deck out back, porch out front, and the most he has to worry about now - or the most he should have to worry about now is whether or not to get the deck netted with mosquito netting, because holy fuck they were huge here.
Jared has no reason to help Jensen move out of his house. He wants Jensen to stay. He's said as much, without saying it all, and it's not working because Jensen's got some stupid complex where he has to be independent to the point of annoyance. Jared's mother says that Jensen's a carer and a giver, and that Jared would be lucky if Jensen ever does move in with him. Jared knows that.
Jared and Jensen's last conversation about moving went something like this: "If you're so hell-bent on paying for a place, buy a bed for the room you're staying in and gimme five hundred a month," Jared said. Because Jensen's so focused on avoiding being a burden that he's inflating an air mattress rather than staying on the guest bed that Jared has. (Jensen is dumb, and Jared acknowledges this.)
"I'm not going to move in until I get a ring on my finger, ass. And you don't get my dowry until you go down to one knee," Jensen had said back, not even pausing in buttering his toast.
Jensen hadn't been wearing a shirt, and Jared was glad Jensen's back was turned because he couldn't stop staring at his bare shoulders, down to the backs of his thighs. (Jensen wears boxers around the house, and that's fine with Jared, once he got over the oddness of noticing and stops feeling guilty about the effects.) It had taken Jared a while to respond, but when he did, "I won't ever hit a woman, Jenny, but I'll shake the shit out of one," Jared said in a threatening tone.
Jensen had laughed and said, "Fuck off, man," and that had been yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon had seen Jensen out with his agent, searching for a place. Jared had called Chad because he'd given up on searching, and Chad had told him to man up and get his man. Jared had hung up on him, and when Jensen had gotten home, Jared had said nothing except that he wasn't letting Jensen move into a place with a bunch of animal hating retards who'd drown him in the gross, green pool that the complex had.
Jared closes the browser on his computer, effectively ending his search for Jensen's new place, again. Jared sits there for a couple of minutes, and then he sends an email off to his parents about how he's doing, and about how Harley tried to eat a squirrel and about how Jensen's out looking for a place. As an afterthought, he adds that Sadie seems to like Jensen better than him now.
He sends the email off, and receives a reply within a couple of minutes, which means that his mom is totally bored and killing time. So you better make sure he stays, then, his mom says, and then goes on to link him to something she thinks is funny on youtube. Knowing it's a stupid pet trick, knock-off Letterman style, he clicks it anyway.
He clicks around on youtube for a while, watching stupid shit and trying to avoid the urge to call Jensen. He closes his browser and calls anyway.
"Hey, you find anything?" Jensen asks, hopeful.
Jared gets angry, momentarily. "No, asshole. These places all suck, and you're not going to find anything so short notice." Jared doesn't get why Jensen won't just stay.
He hears Jensen take a breath. "Stop fucking dicking around, man," Jensen says quietly. Jared thinks he's probably walking quickly away from his real estate agent so he can talk louder, and Jared winces. "This place blows, and I need to find somewhere before filming, and I don't know what's been up your ass lately but it's like," Jensen stops, and takes another, deeper breath. "I need to find a new place, Jared, and barely any time left. I need your help." Jensen's voice is calmer, frustrated and disappointed, and fuck if that doesn't make Jared angry again.
"Maybe I don't want to help!" Jared says, and God, that's pretty fucking childish of him to say, complete with the pout he's wearing. Shit.
"Jared," Jensen is yelling now, and Jared knows he's never gotten Jensen this angry before.
"Maybe I don't want you to move out," Jared says just as loudly, and the dogs go to a different room. He'll have to make sure he gives them a treat later. He's kind of dealing with not puking now, because Jensen's on the other side of the line, just breathing, and Jared doesn't know what to do. There's nothing else he can do now except commit, and he's always been an all-or-nothing kind of guy. "I don't want you to move out, okay?" Jared asks more quietly, and hangs up before Jensen can say anything.
Harley ventures back into the room, and sets his head on Jared's knee. "Hey, buddy," Jared says quietly. "Think I just fucked up." Jared pats Harley's head, and goes into the kitchen to give the dogs a treat and get himself the first of what he promises himself will be a long line of beers.
On his way, he hears his phone ring, and it's the tone that Jensen picked out for himself. Jared leaves it. He gets Harley and Sadie rawhide bones to gnaw on, because he's not above bribing them for their affection. It has the opposite affect, because they go off and chew on them, leaving him alone.
Jared goes back and sees that he has two missed calls, two new voicemails. They're both from Jensen. He presses his code, and listens. First new message, fifteen minutes ago: "Jared, hey, uh. What just happened?" Jared hears Jensen say, and then more quietly, "I think we're done here, ma'am," Jensen says, and that must've been to his agent. "Call me back, Jay."
Jared deletes it. Second new message, eight minutes ago: "Jared, I," Jensen sounds so sad, and Jared pressed his cell tighter to his ear. He feels sick. "This is why I need a new place, man," Jensen continues, and Jared hangs up quickly, because he really can't take that.
Jared's not going to kill himself, and he knows this isn't the end of the world, but both feel like they're probable right now. He can't deal with it, he needs to get away and think. He thinks that Jensen must be on his way here, because he was definitely in the car; Jared heard the turn signal. Jared gets up. "C'mon, guys!" He yells to the dogs. "Let's go for a walk," Jared says.
Going into the kitchen again, he pulls out the dogs' leashes and can't help the small smile that crosses his lips as Sadie skids on the kitchen tiles and runs into Harley. He pulls off their collars and puts on their chains and leashes, and heads out the door.
He leaves his phone on the kitchen counter, where it rings again as he steps out the door. He's not going to bring it, because it's - he can't deal with it right now. It hurts too much, and it's all his fault.
6. Jared doesn't even bother wondering when the most important person in his life became Jensen, anymore - one time Jared doesn't call Jensen, and it doesn't change a thing.
Jared's been at the park for a little over four hours, and the frisbee he found on the ground slips out of his hand easily from all of the dog spit on it. His shoulder hurts from throwing it, and Sadie and Harley are getting lazy about chasing it, but he can't go back home yet.
They've been playing with it for a little over an hour, so at first when Sadie runs past Jared after catching it, he thinks she's just had enough of playing. Then he hears Jensen say, "Good girl, good girl, give me that," and Jared's stomach feels awful, like it's literally dropped to the ground. Jensen followed him to the park. Jared sucks.
Jared doesn't look, but he hears Jensen throw the frisbee, and then something hard hits him in the back of the head, and did Jensen seriously just throw the frisbee at him? "Ow! What the fuck, man?" Jared says, turning, but Jensen's just as angry.
Jensen pushes him, his hands rough against Jared's chest. "You fucker, do you have any idea how worried I was when I got home and you weren't there and I waited and you still weren't there?"
Jared stumbles back, confused. This isn't how it's supposed to go, because Jensen is supposed to punch Jared for being in love with him, not worry because he's not home. "Jensen, I," Jared starts, then stops. What can he say? "I'm sorry," Jared says.
"Shut up," Jensen says, furious. Jensen grabs him, his hands framing Jared's face, and tugs him harshly forward. Jared tries to resist because he's not sure what's happening until Jensen whispers angrily against his mouth, "fucker, Goddamnit," and kisses him.
Jared reacts instantaneously, grabbing the back of Jensen's neck and his shoulder and holding him close, taking a step forward and pressing closer. Jensen gasps and Jared opens his mouth, and Jensen's tongue licks into him. Something very different from worry settles into Jared's gut as their bodies press together.
Jared's on cloud nine when they finally separate, grinning and shaking a little because he'd been so nervous, so scared of losing Jensen and instead he has him. He pulls back a little to look at Jensen, who's grinning too. Jared frowns when he steps away.
"I'm not making out with you until your hands aren't covered in dog slime," Jensen says, and tugs Jared's arm up to use the sleeve to wipe at the back of his neck. Jared curls his arm around Jensen's neck and tugs him forward, grinning, and kisses him again.
Despite his earlier protests, Jensen goes willingly. Or stays willingly, as Jared thinks about it.
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